In mid-October, I went down to the Hill Country of Texas to run the Ragnar, a twenty-four hour relay race through the back-country trails. Each team has eight people, and each person runs three trails - 7 miles, 5 miles, and 3 miles. It’s a test of physical endurance, but also an excellent way of building community. Pioneer Bible has two teams, and I enjoy the opportunity to connect with my fellow workers. 

I have to admit that, in addition to looking forward to time with my team, I always have a bit of a romantic hope that I will “meet someone.” It seems perfect - we already would have something in common! This year it actually happened…well, almost…

Because there is quite a bit of time where people are waiting for their turn to run, there are many activities and prizes planned by the race organizers. This year they gave away earbuds through a massive game of “Rock, Paper, Scissors”. There were two sets of earbuds so they had everyone find a partner so that the partner of the winner would get the second pair. I couldn’t find a partner, so the announcer said “I’ll be your match-maker!” He partnered me with a tall, handsome young man. I walked over to him thinking, “Wow, it might really happen! I might actually meet someone!” But I was quickly disavowed of that notion by the look on his face, which said, “please no.” We shook hands and exchanged names, but he was clearly not interested in more than that. The game started and I got second place - so close! Yet, I walked back to our campsite with no earbuds, and no meet-cute. 

Back at camp, our team gathered to talk through the race and pray together. We had twenty people in all - two eight person teams and four support people. Through the weekend I had a chance to talk with each one of those twenty people, some more in-depth than others. I heard their life stories and faith stories, and they heard mine. We shared meals and running tips. We laughed over hilarious anecdotes and spent time in theological conversations. When a teammate got back from a run, we cheered for them and heard their trail stories (there are always stories!). It is such a wonderful feeling to be part of a loving and supportive community. 

On one of my runs, I was reflecting on my desire for marriage in contrast with the love I felt from my teammates, and it reminded me of a Bible study I had led recently where we looked at the four Greek words for love. The four words are “agape”, which is “unconditional love”, “storge”, which is comforting family love, “philia” which is “friendship love”, and “eros”, which is “romantic love.” I had told the ladies in my study that we needed to be careful not to forget that there are other types of love besides romantic love; in particular, we need to be careful not to forget friendship love. It struck me that I myself have been looking for “eros” - for romantic love and a husband, so I hadn’t recognized that God had consistently provided me with “philia” - loving friendships that have encouraged me and drawn me closer to Him. Why had I missed this?

English, of course, has only one word for love. We know that all four of these types of love exist, but we must admit that American culture only really focuses on one - romantic love. One could even say that Americans are in love with love. It is a subplot in every book, movie, or TV show, and the theme of most pop songs. It seems to be one of our highest aims, and one of the ways our culture believes that we will find personal fulfillment. This means a person without romantic love - a single person - is assumed to be lacking. The general feeling is that all other loves pale in comparison to romantic love, so a person without romantic love must be lonely, sad, and unfulfilled. 

The church, unfortunately, has adopted the same notion, but with a slightly more holy bent - marriage. The church, it seems, is in love with marriage. It is one of the highest aims of the church to get young people into Christian marriages, and marriage is one of the ways that people can grow to maturity and be made like Christ. This means a single person in the church also often feels a deep sense of lack. He or she is missing an essential ingredient for both maturity and Christlikeness!

As I ran that day, I thought about how I had bought into these notions of love and marriage. I had felt lonely and lacking without the love of a husband. I was realizing, however, that “eros” is not the only type of love that can help us feel fulfilled and help us become more like Christ. At this very race, God had filled me with “philia” love through the many people He had put around me. The love of friends made me feel valuable and fulfilled. I was encouraged and challenged in my faith through their love. They had brought me closer to Christ. 

Philia love is based on having an affinity with someone else. Agape love is unconditional - it is wonderful because it is love that is not earned, but given. Storge love is based on being part of the same family. But philia love comes when you have something in common with someone and love them as a result. This kind of love is demonstrated to us in the Bible. Jesus wept over Lazarus because He loved him with “philia” love (John 11:3, 35-36). John called himself the disciple that Jesus “philia” loved (John 20:2). After Peter had denied Jesus, Jesus met him on the beach and restored him by asking if he “philia” loved him (John 21:15). In all of these cases, Jesus was friends with these people. He loved them because He had an affinity for them. More than that, Jesus says that God “philia” loves Him (John 5:20), and us (John 15:27). God loves us unconditionally, and also as friends. Paul tells Christians to love each other with “philiastorge” which is both friendship and family love (Romans 12:10). We in the body of Christ are family, and we are also friends. We should love each other because we appreciate each other. 

As a church, let us not forget the value of the other loves, in addition to romantic love. If the church can find a way to take a step back from promoting marriage as the ultimate love, and take a step forward toward valuing friendship love, it would help us learn to love better. Perhaps it would reduce some of the pressure on marriages to fulfill all the needs of each spouse for love. In addition, it would help the many people who are not married to feel valued and loved within the church - to feel that they haven’t missed out on the path to maturity or to becoming like Christ. 

After this experience, I feel that my eyes have been opened a little more to the way that God provides love. Rather than looking for “eros”, I want to be able to recognize “philia” when God provides it. It is a gracious gift to find that I am loved by friends, that this love brings me closer to Jesus and teaches me to be Christlike! Finding philia is finding God’s gift!